10) Never pass out under the tree otherwise you'll wake up at 3 am, think your outside, and piss.
9) Never pass out over the tree otherwise you'll wake up with pine needles in your unmentionables.
8) Never pass out on the couch licking a candy cane, you'll wake up with something else in your mouth.
7) Always cork your wine bottle at Christmas otherwise elves will siphon it.
6) Avoid dressing your dog like a reindeer otherwise a Christmas hunter may shoot it.
5) Watch out for spiked eggnog around your creepy uncle who likes to get hands-ee around your stockings unless you/he like that sort of thing.
4) Never tell your cousin she looks really hot in the glow of your neon Santa suit or if you do prepare to cover the bruise from her slap with makeup.
3) Strive to avoid passing out on your front lawn in the manager on Christmas Day even if you are dressed in a diaper or swaddling clothes.
2) Don't dress your dog like an elf unless you consider a canine taking a dump on a tray of Christmas cookies festive.
1) Don't invite your neighbors over for a Christmas party if you're wearing only a wreath unless you can distract them with Christmas carols and a hot poker.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
BALL GAGS ARE MEDICAL EXPENDITURES
China says a US pledge of $100 billion a year in climate funds is a "good step"…toward permanent American insolvency.
The White House is trying to tamp down an insurrection on health care from some of the President’s liberal backers…ball gags are now “medical expenditures.”
VP Biden is announcing $182 million in stimulus grants for increasing broadband access…he must be passing along telecom lobbyist cash.
Russia’s Foreign Minister is calling for Washington to accept deeper reductions to its nuclear arsenal…time for beating swords into vodka bottling plants.
Cardiovascular disease and stroke will cost the US more than $503 billion in 2010…good news to unemployed health care workers.
The White House is trying to tamp down an insurrection on health care from some of the President’s liberal backers…ball gags are now “medical expenditures.”
VP Biden is announcing $182 million in stimulus grants for increasing broadband access…he must be passing along telecom lobbyist cash.
Russia’s Foreign Minister is calling for Washington to accept deeper reductions to its nuclear arsenal…time for beating swords into vodka bottling plants.
Cardiovascular disease and stroke will cost the US more than $503 billion in 2010…good news to unemployed health care workers.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
THE "B" WORD
The House OK'd $636 billion for the Iraq & Afghan wars...hope's on the shelf; while lots of change is going out the window, door, garage, roof, etc.
The White House is promoting a $5 billion increase in tax breaks for clean energy manufacturing...which they're already making in the form of hot air about jobs.
NY Senator Chuck Schumer reportedly used the B-word when describing a female flight attendant...at least he didn't call her "da bomb" and cause a panic.
Tiger Woods is voted Top Athlete of the Decade...amazing stamina.
Tiger's wife has moved out of the Florida mansion they shared...no word on whether a stripper pole will be installed.
Scientists have discovered a super-Earth exoplant...they can tell by the giant "E" on its chest.
The CDC says US life expectancy has reached an all-time high...along with those Americans doing most of the world's drugs, legal or otherwise.
The White House is promoting a $5 billion increase in tax breaks for clean energy manufacturing...which they're already making in the form of hot air about jobs.
NY Senator Chuck Schumer reportedly used the B-word when describing a female flight attendant...at least he didn't call her "da bomb" and cause a panic.
Tiger Woods is voted Top Athlete of the Decade...amazing stamina.
Tiger's wife has moved out of the Florida mansion they shared...no word on whether a stripper pole will be installed.
Scientists have discovered a super-Earth exoplant...they can tell by the giant "E" on its chest.
The CDC says US life expectancy has reached an all-time high...along with those Americans doing most of the world's drugs, legal or otherwise.
SWEET TALKIN' SOLAR PANELS
The President says making houses energy efficient is sexy...apparently he enjoys sweet talkin' solar panels.
Police are battling protesters at the UN climate summit venue in Copenhagen...and that's just Fox News reporters.
Fed Head Ben Bernanke is Time's “Person of the Year”...apparently Devil of the Year is already taken.
Tiger's wife reportedly plans to divorce him...if she's smart she'll put 18 holes in his bank accounts.
800,000 swine flu vaccine doses for young children in the US were recalled for being less potent than they should be...unlike the illegal drugs kids try.
A new Iranian anti-government movement has sprung up...men wearing women's head scarves...as a protest against shampoo too.
Federal health advisers say Crestor can prevent heart attack, stroke and death...but not being bombarded with ads for it.
A new study shows a fat hormone called leptin can reduce the risk of Alzheimer's disease...enjoy a donut so you can remember.
A new report by VP Joe Biden projects the number of US homes with smart meters will jump to 40 million by 2015...meanwhile the number of idiots in DC will remain the same...all of them.
The US current account deficit widened to 3.0% of gross domestic product...debt is our grossest domestic product.
Mortgage applications nudged higher last week...there's no place like home...for the holidays...or the rest of the year.
Government officials say banks worldwide will be given more time to adapt to stricter capital reserve rules...some banks may have to rob other banks for even a drop of capital.
ABBA has made it into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...like putting a Ford Pinto in a NASCAR race...not right.
A new study shows American nearsightedness is up 66 percent since the 1970s...a comforting thought to ponder on your morning commute.
To combat a nationwide shortage of doctors, medical schools in the US plan to add 3,000 first-year students by 2018...or simply increase those med flights to India.
Japan is increasing cigarette taxes...start smokin' noodles.
Police are battling protesters at the UN climate summit venue in Copenhagen...and that's just Fox News reporters.
Fed Head Ben Bernanke is Time's “Person of the Year”...apparently Devil of the Year is already taken.
Tiger's wife reportedly plans to divorce him...if she's smart she'll put 18 holes in his bank accounts.
800,000 swine flu vaccine doses for young children in the US were recalled for being less potent than they should be...unlike the illegal drugs kids try.
A new Iranian anti-government movement has sprung up...men wearing women's head scarves...as a protest against shampoo too.
Federal health advisers say Crestor can prevent heart attack, stroke and death...but not being bombarded with ads for it.
A new study shows a fat hormone called leptin can reduce the risk of Alzheimer's disease...enjoy a donut so you can remember.
A new report by VP Joe Biden projects the number of US homes with smart meters will jump to 40 million by 2015...meanwhile the number of idiots in DC will remain the same...all of them.
The US current account deficit widened to 3.0% of gross domestic product...debt is our grossest domestic product.
Mortgage applications nudged higher last week...there's no place like home...for the holidays...or the rest of the year.
Government officials say banks worldwide will be given more time to adapt to stricter capital reserve rules...some banks may have to rob other banks for even a drop of capital.
ABBA has made it into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...like putting a Ford Pinto in a NASCAR race...not right.
A new study shows American nearsightedness is up 66 percent since the 1970s...a comforting thought to ponder on your morning commute.
To combat a nationwide shortage of doctors, medical schools in the US plan to add 3,000 first-year students by 2018...or simply increase those med flights to India.
Japan is increasing cigarette taxes...start smokin' noodles.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
BABY'S BACKED UP
6 Golden Globe nominations for the Up In The Air...about the theory of global warming.
Climate change talks have entered an "important moment"...close to pulling the wool over the rest of the world's eyes.
The US plans to transfer some of the Gitmo detainees to an Illinois prison...given the Midwest weather some might want to go back to Cuba.
Italian souvenir vendors sold lots of statuettes like the one hurled at Italy's PM...no word on sales of cotton gauze and ice packs.
A lawsuit over e-mails missing during the Bush administration is settled...now only if suits are filed against the actual policies.
Tiger's alleged 14th lover has surfaced...no matter whether it's golf or women...this guy is focused on holes.
Pot use among teens has increased...good news for convenience store owners, snack food makers, and furniture stores that sell only couches.
JuJu Chang, George Stephanopoulos, Robin Roberts, and Sam Champion now make up the Good Morning America team...or a Benetton ad.
A Roman Polanski film will premiere in competition at the 60th Berlin International Film Festival...sure to be a hit at teen girls' summer camps.
Older women who take antidepressants may have a slightly higher risk for stroke and death...and so do the men who have to deal with crabby.
A study finds Bisphenol A, a chemical used in plastic containers and drink cans, can negatively affect intestines' functioning...baby's backed up so check your bottle.
A new study finds a medicinal herb, milk thistle, appears to reduce liver damage from chemotherapy...great news but drunks everywhere are hoping it'll work too.
A study finds that 17% more Americans have myopia than 30 years ago...so when some say life goes by in a blur...they really mean it.
Climate change talks have entered an "important moment"...close to pulling the wool over the rest of the world's eyes.
The US plans to transfer some of the Gitmo detainees to an Illinois prison...given the Midwest weather some might want to go back to Cuba.
Italian souvenir vendors sold lots of statuettes like the one hurled at Italy's PM...no word on sales of cotton gauze and ice packs.
A lawsuit over e-mails missing during the Bush administration is settled...now only if suits are filed against the actual policies.
Tiger's alleged 14th lover has surfaced...no matter whether it's golf or women...this guy is focused on holes.
Pot use among teens has increased...good news for convenience store owners, snack food makers, and furniture stores that sell only couches.
JuJu Chang, George Stephanopoulos, Robin Roberts, and Sam Champion now make up the Good Morning America team...or a Benetton ad.
A Roman Polanski film will premiere in competition at the 60th Berlin International Film Festival...sure to be a hit at teen girls' summer camps.
Older women who take antidepressants may have a slightly higher risk for stroke and death...and so do the men who have to deal with crabby.
A study finds Bisphenol A, a chemical used in plastic containers and drink cans, can negatively affect intestines' functioning...baby's backed up so check your bottle.
A new study finds a medicinal herb, milk thistle, appears to reduce liver damage from chemotherapy...great news but drunks everywhere are hoping it'll work too.
A study finds that 17% more Americans have myopia than 30 years ago...so when some say life goes by in a blur...they really mean it.
Monday, December 14, 2009
THROUGH RAIN, SLEET, HAIL BUT NOT DEPRESSIONS
The President is urging banks to find ways to increase lending…too bad certain drugs are still illegal.
The President has sent the largest American team in nearly 2 decades to the Copenhagen talks…for the Global Warming Hoop Challenge.
Secretary of State Clinton has rejected Iranian spy charges against 3 Americans…but held open the possibility of trading Bill for them.
The US Postal Service cut the list of facilities it may close to fewer than 170…through rain, snow, sleet, dark of night, but not depressions.
2 studies suggest CT scans may contribute to cancer…what a wonderful thought to ponder while locked in a dark tube…either CT scanner or grave.
Coffee and tea may decrease the risk of developing type 2 diabetes…especially for those jittery enough to run around the block…100 times.
Millions of Bush administration emails have been recovered…just in time to get back at those who publicized the damaging global warming emails.
Sarah Palin has ended her book tour…prompting left wingers to once again venture back into book stores.
The President has sent the largest American team in nearly 2 decades to the Copenhagen talks…for the Global Warming Hoop Challenge.
Secretary of State Clinton has rejected Iranian spy charges against 3 Americans…but held open the possibility of trading Bill for them.
The US Postal Service cut the list of facilities it may close to fewer than 170…through rain, snow, sleet, dark of night, but not depressions.
2 studies suggest CT scans may contribute to cancer…what a wonderful thought to ponder while locked in a dark tube…either CT scanner or grave.
Coffee and tea may decrease the risk of developing type 2 diabetes…especially for those jittery enough to run around the block…100 times.
Millions of Bush administration emails have been recovered…just in time to get back at those who publicized the damaging global warming emails.
Sarah Palin has ended her book tour…prompting left wingers to once again venture back into book stores.
WE'VE ALREADY SEEN THEM
The President is asking banks to lend more...those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it...look forward to Bank Bubble 2010.
Iran is trying 3 Americans caught hiking across the border…all it takes to avoid an international incident is a compass.
Developing countries ended a boycott at climate talks…rich countries blowing in poor ones’ ears apparently does not contribute to global warming.
Italy’s PM is hospitalized with a broken nose and teeth after an attack…that may slow the PM’s alleged Tiger-like dalliances with the ladies.
Citigroup is ready to pay back $20 billion in bailout money…now in currency worth less than when it initially received it…crony capitalism at its best.
NY’s Governor’s poll numbers are up to 36%...making him about as popular as belly button lint.
Abu Dhabi is bailing out Dubai with $10 billion…now we know where a portion of our $3 per gallon gas money goes.
Toyota plans to roll out an all electric car in 2011…it’ll really make progress when it rolls out an all electric 4 Runner.
Cadbury kicked off a robust defense against Kraft Foods Inc’s hostile takeover offer…food fight!
NASA has launched a sky mapping telescope…Big Brother likes leering.
A Batman video game sequel is under development…use a joystick to determine Robin’s sexuality.
A Japanese store is selling customized robots that look like their owners…perfect for getting out of trouble…blame your robot.
Kourtney Kardashian has given birth to a son Mason…who apparently has a future as an action star with that first name.
An ex-bartender claims Tiger Woods stole his girlfriend…the golfer might want to have his drinks tested.
Reality TV show Jersey Shore has lost a pizza-making sponsor…seems like a perfect time to pick up gold chain, fake tan, steroid sponsors.
The ex-call girl who brought down ex-NY Gov. Eliot Spitzer is now an advice columnist for The NY Post while Spitzer delivers ethics lectures…look for the sun to start revolving around the Earth.
Playgirl is not publishing alleged nude photos of Tiger Woods…no need to when so many have already seen the goods.
Tara Reid will appear topless in Playboy’s double issue…but thanks to nip slips captured by the paparazzi…there’s no mystery left.
Iran is trying 3 Americans caught hiking across the border…all it takes to avoid an international incident is a compass.
Developing countries ended a boycott at climate talks…rich countries blowing in poor ones’ ears apparently does not contribute to global warming.
Italy’s PM is hospitalized with a broken nose and teeth after an attack…that may slow the PM’s alleged Tiger-like dalliances with the ladies.
Citigroup is ready to pay back $20 billion in bailout money…now in currency worth less than when it initially received it…crony capitalism at its best.
NY’s Governor’s poll numbers are up to 36%...making him about as popular as belly button lint.
Abu Dhabi is bailing out Dubai with $10 billion…now we know where a portion of our $3 per gallon gas money goes.
Toyota plans to roll out an all electric car in 2011…it’ll really make progress when it rolls out an all electric 4 Runner.
Cadbury kicked off a robust defense against Kraft Foods Inc’s hostile takeover offer…food fight!
NASA has launched a sky mapping telescope…Big Brother likes leering.
A Batman video game sequel is under development…use a joystick to determine Robin’s sexuality.
A Japanese store is selling customized robots that look like their owners…perfect for getting out of trouble…blame your robot.
Kourtney Kardashian has given birth to a son Mason…who apparently has a future as an action star with that first name.
An ex-bartender claims Tiger Woods stole his girlfriend…the golfer might want to have his drinks tested.
Reality TV show Jersey Shore has lost a pizza-making sponsor…seems like a perfect time to pick up gold chain, fake tan, steroid sponsors.
The ex-call girl who brought down ex-NY Gov. Eliot Spitzer is now an advice columnist for The NY Post while Spitzer delivers ethics lectures…look for the sun to start revolving around the Earth.
Playgirl is not publishing alleged nude photos of Tiger Woods…no need to when so many have already seen the goods.
Tara Reid will appear topless in Playboy’s double issue…but thanks to nip slips captured by the paparazzi…there’s no mystery left.
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