Senator Chris Dodd introduced a financial-regulatory-overhaul measure…like trying to rehab the Titanic; she’s still goin’ down.
A top Federal Reserve official says interest rates will stay low…like the self-esteem of a typical teen.
The UK's healthiest big banks both reported lower 3rd-quarter results…UK bankers must have the life span potential of daredevils.
The International Energy Agency says global gas demand looks set to fall and remain oversupplied until 2015…so the end of the world is in ’15 not ’12.
NY’s Gov urged the State Legislature to make unpopular decisions to erase the deficit…that should shorten some lawmakers’ terms.
The driver of a Boston subway was able to stop the train just before it could’ve hit a woman. The driver may have a new career as a deodorant spokesman.
Wednesday, November 11 is Veterans Day previously known as Armistice Day…if ever the world needed an Armistice; it’s now.
Veterans can eat free at Applebees on Wednesday…sure hope the chain asks for proof…otherwise they’ll be a run on Army/Navy stores for uniforms today.
The Obama administration unveiled a new strategy for restoring the Chesapeake Bay…it’s unionizing the crabs.
The dollar rose from almost a 15-month…like trying to wake up a sorority girl after a pledge party.
A new Rick Astley-themed virus is reportedly infecting iPhones…it’s time for a new Astley album…he couldn’t pay for this kind of publicity.
Germany wants the US, China and India to take action against global warming…but you don’t see Germany dropping the speed limit to 55 mph on the Autobhan.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
NORTH AND SOUTH...KOREA...THE EPIC MINISERIES
Tissue created in a lab has replaced the erectile tissue of the penis in animals...the new good luck charm...bunny dick.
The WHO says despite living 6 to 8 years longer than men, women lack essential health care...so in other words...modern medicine isn't killing women as quickly.
Almost half of Arizonans say they're staying away from large crowds because of flu worries...and the other half because they think they're being stalked...by cacti.
Sprint Nextel plans to cut 5% of its work force...now only if it would add 5% more towers...I might be able to get a signal in a "rural" area.
Electronic Arts plans to cut 1,500 jobs...sounds like a new video game...Survival.
Reports claim the navies of North and South Korea exchanged fire...miniseries coming to DVD and Blu-Ray soon.
Nokia is recalling 14 million mobile phone chargers...some workers may have to work at work...instead of updating their Facebook status.
The President says he's willing to attend an international climate summit...especially if air fare is free...and he might get a medal.
New plans exist to launch the world's first solar-sail spacecraft...if at first you don't succeed...stare at the sun...until your brain fries.
The WHO says despite living 6 to 8 years longer than men, women lack essential health care...so in other words...modern medicine isn't killing women as quickly.
Almost half of Arizonans say they're staying away from large crowds because of flu worries...and the other half because they think they're being stalked...by cacti.
Sprint Nextel plans to cut 5% of its work force...now only if it would add 5% more towers...I might be able to get a signal in a "rural" area.
Electronic Arts plans to cut 1,500 jobs...sounds like a new video game...Survival.
Reports claim the navies of North and South Korea exchanged fire...miniseries coming to DVD and Blu-Ray soon.
Nokia is recalling 14 million mobile phone chargers...some workers may have to work at work...instead of updating their Facebook status.
The President says he's willing to attend an international climate summit...especially if air fare is free...and he might get a medal.
New plans exist to launch the world's first solar-sail spacecraft...if at first you don't succeed...stare at the sun...until your brain fries.
NOT...ANOTHER BRICK...IN THE WALL
The Army says the Fort Hood shooter is conscious and able to talk…if only a bedpan would “slip” out of worker’s hand…into the suspect’s head.
It’s the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall…where The Hoff sang…then watched his career tumble.
Iran charged 3 American hikers w/spying…now they must scale a mountain of absurdity.
Activists have broken a part of the West Bank barrier…seriously upsetting the Kool-Aid man waiting to break it down himself.
NY’s Gov will address a joint session of the legislature about the state’s financial problems…his speech may start out…”We’re f*#ked.”
Maclaren says it’s recalling 1 million umbrella strollers that may pose a risk to kids’ fingers…the strollers were apparently designed by Captain Hook.
Texas reportedly is replacing Florida as a retirement mecca…so watch out for horses…using walkers…along with their riders.
In the wake of an E.coli outbreak traced to ground beef, PETA has put up a billboard Meat Kills: Go Vegan…unless you have trouble swallowing…carrots can kill too.
A Christmas Carol knocked Michael Jackson’s This Is It out of first place at the box office…Jim Carrey might be visited by MJ’s ghost of profits past.
Firefox is celebrating its 5th anniversary...proving there is a better way to build a mousetrap much to Microsoft’s chagrin.
3rd-quarter shipments of computer processors climbed 23% over the 2nd quarter…’cause companies need spreadsheets to keep track of all their firings.
A Russian physicist instrumental in helping the Soviets to develop the H-bomb has died…unfortunately the creation lives on.
Britney Spears is upset 100 Australian concert-goers stormed out of her show complaining about her lip syncing…maybe her anger was pre-recorded.
It’s the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall…where The Hoff sang…then watched his career tumble.
Iran charged 3 American hikers w/spying…now they must scale a mountain of absurdity.
Activists have broken a part of the West Bank barrier…seriously upsetting the Kool-Aid man waiting to break it down himself.
NY’s Gov will address a joint session of the legislature about the state’s financial problems…his speech may start out…”We’re f*#ked.”
Maclaren says it’s recalling 1 million umbrella strollers that may pose a risk to kids’ fingers…the strollers were apparently designed by Captain Hook.
Texas reportedly is replacing Florida as a retirement mecca…so watch out for horses…using walkers…along with their riders.
In the wake of an E.coli outbreak traced to ground beef, PETA has put up a billboard Meat Kills: Go Vegan…unless you have trouble swallowing…carrots can kill too.
A Christmas Carol knocked Michael Jackson’s This Is It out of first place at the box office…Jim Carrey might be visited by MJ’s ghost of profits past.
Firefox is celebrating its 5th anniversary...proving there is a better way to build a mousetrap much to Microsoft’s chagrin.
3rd-quarter shipments of computer processors climbed 23% over the 2nd quarter…’cause companies need spreadsheets to keep track of all their firings.
A Russian physicist instrumental in helping the Soviets to develop the H-bomb has died…unfortunately the creation lives on.
Britney Spears is upset 100 Australian concert-goers stormed out of her show complaining about her lip syncing…maybe her anger was pre-recorded.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
SPLIT THE SPOILS
The House has passed a health-care reform bill...with the ease of passing kidney stones.
Warren Buffet's firm tripled its profits in the 3rd quarter...I wonder if he needs a man servant?
The UK and the US disagree on a proposed bank transaction tax...but only how to split the spoils.
The $8,000 first-time home buyers tax credit has been extended...like pick pocket season during a warm fall on the boardwalk.
Widows 7 will have a tool designed to ease the upgrade...a hammer.
Chicago has a new area code...872...or just dial "0" and Obama connects you.
Microsoft has restricted access to Twitter and Facebook on Xbox Live...ironically denying access to people w/no problem communicating in 140 characters.
The FDA is warning companies to stop selling banned flavored cigarettes to US consumers online...sell them offline...you'll make more.
A new study finds men who get moderate exercise regularly may have a lower risk of prostate cancer...and (I'm guessing) a higher risk of heart attack.
Warren Buffet's firm tripled its profits in the 3rd quarter...I wonder if he needs a man servant?
The UK and the US disagree on a proposed bank transaction tax...but only how to split the spoils.
The $8,000 first-time home buyers tax credit has been extended...like pick pocket season during a warm fall on the boardwalk.
Widows 7 will have a tool designed to ease the upgrade...a hammer.
Chicago has a new area code...872...or just dial "0" and Obama connects you.
Microsoft has restricted access to Twitter and Facebook on Xbox Live...ironically denying access to people w/no problem communicating in 140 characters.
The FDA is warning companies to stop selling banned flavored cigarettes to US consumers online...sell them offline...you'll make more.
A new study finds men who get moderate exercise regularly may have a lower risk of prostate cancer...and (I'm guessing) a higher risk of heart attack.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
BLUE ON BLACK
Gay rights advocates say the battle will move to New Jersey...even mobsters want legal long-time companions.
Florida cops say a $3,500 bottle of limited edition Johnnie Walker Blue Label was stolen from a liquor store...skid row bums everywhere are envious.
A lawyer for a Florida man accused of killing his ex-son-in-law argued he was too fat to have committed the crime...the old...too many Twinkies defense.
NY's Governor has launched a multimillion dollar statewide TV ad campaign...presumably designed to convince New Yorkers what we already know...time to cut government.
Louisiana state investigators raided Acorn's New Orleans offices...searching for more Mardi Gras beads use to "lure" more democratic voters to the polls.
California is adding 25 state enforcement officers to track down illegal water diversions...bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gunna do...what'cha gunna do...when they catch you using too much water to shampoo.
The White House is reportedly banning Democratic strategists from appearing on Fox News...thus making it infinitely harder to reach the millions convinced the administration is full of sh%t.
The House passed legislation that would give the government the authority to force companies to replace chemicals that terrorists could use in attacks with safer alternatives...if that's the case store shelves everywhere would be virtually empty.
Florida cops say a $3,500 bottle of limited edition Johnnie Walker Blue Label was stolen from a liquor store...skid row bums everywhere are envious.
A lawyer for a Florida man accused of killing his ex-son-in-law argued he was too fat to have committed the crime...the old...too many Twinkies defense.
NY's Governor has launched a multimillion dollar statewide TV ad campaign...presumably designed to convince New Yorkers what we already know...time to cut government.
Louisiana state investigators raided Acorn's New Orleans offices...searching for more Mardi Gras beads use to "lure" more democratic voters to the polls.
California is adding 25 state enforcement officers to track down illegal water diversions...bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gunna do...what'cha gunna do...when they catch you using too much water to shampoo.
The White House is reportedly banning Democratic strategists from appearing on Fox News...thus making it infinitely harder to reach the millions convinced the administration is full of sh%t.
The House passed legislation that would give the government the authority to force companies to replace chemicals that terrorists could use in attacks with safer alternatives...if that's the case store shelves everywhere would be virtually empty.
Friday, November 6, 2009
THEY CRAP IN MALIBU
US unemployment is more than 10%...the real figure is over 20%...soon Americans will be illegally crossing the borders to Canada and Mexico.
Unemployment is at a 26-year high…along with some of the unemployed.
The President says his administration is pursing more job measures…except for ones that work…like downsizing government permanently.
The White House says it’s too soon to talk about a 2nd stimulus…’cause the printing presses are breaking down.
The President will likely extend the first-time home buyer credit…and a mighty wind will blow…that real estate bubble back up…slightly.
The UN and EU are accusing the US of endangering a deal on climate change…unlike the world’s climate, the political climate rarely changes.
A climate change bill made it through a Senate committee…which is about as easy as going through a toll booth…just pay (off) the right people.
Israel is concerned by Palestinian Authority President’s decision not to seek re-election…must the devil you know kind-of-thing.
Fannie Mae has filed nearly $16 billion in claims in the Lehman Brothers bankruptcy…still trying to pull its butt out of the debt fire.
A new study suggests babies begin to learn language in the womb…soon-to-be parents might want to rethink bedroom talk.
Microsoft says it plans to release 6 bulletins to fix 15 vulnerabilities…but not to the biggest one…excessive Windows 7 hype.
Ukraine says it paid Russia for gas after Russia warned Ukraine against late payment…no word on the vig.
A Texas polygamist sect member found guilty of sexual assault faces up to 20 years in prison where polygamy is a lifestyle mandate.
Target is offering $10 DVDs in a bid to match Wal-Mart price cuts…and yet Target can’t lower itself to offer free trailer park redecorating kits.
AIG posted 2nd quarter profit…but since it was bailed out with taxpayer money it might be more accurate to call profit…booty.
Gold futures hit a new record high above $1,100 an ounce…soon drug dealers will be hawkin’ bullion.
As many as 18 banks might be involved in financing Kraft’s bid for Cadbury…that bunny will have a lot of eggs to deliver.
Ford plans to put airbags in backseats…coming soon…airbags for the trunk…perfect for mobsters who like to store bodies in Lincolns.
A new survey finds the Internet and mobile phones enhance people’s social lives instead of detract from them…proof porn can produce world peace.
Fortune has named Steve Jobs CEO of the decade…making Bill Gates the Little Richard of computers…”I’m the architect of software.”
Rumor has it Oprah might start her own channel after her contract expires in 2011…just her own channel? The Big “O” could start her own cable system.
The FDA says pig ears and beef hooves pet treats made by a California-based company may be contaminated with salmonella…apparently this is only worrisome to Southern pet owners.
Water officials have banned septic tanks in portions of Malibu…I didn’t know people even crapped in Malibu.
Unemployment is at a 26-year high…along with some of the unemployed.
The President says his administration is pursing more job measures…except for ones that work…like downsizing government permanently.
The White House says it’s too soon to talk about a 2nd stimulus…’cause the printing presses are breaking down.
The President will likely extend the first-time home buyer credit…and a mighty wind will blow…that real estate bubble back up…slightly.
The UN and EU are accusing the US of endangering a deal on climate change…unlike the world’s climate, the political climate rarely changes.
A climate change bill made it through a Senate committee…which is about as easy as going through a toll booth…just pay (off) the right people.
Israel is concerned by Palestinian Authority President’s decision not to seek re-election…must the devil you know kind-of-thing.
Fannie Mae has filed nearly $16 billion in claims in the Lehman Brothers bankruptcy…still trying to pull its butt out of the debt fire.
A new study suggests babies begin to learn language in the womb…soon-to-be parents might want to rethink bedroom talk.
Microsoft says it plans to release 6 bulletins to fix 15 vulnerabilities…but not to the biggest one…excessive Windows 7 hype.
Ukraine says it paid Russia for gas after Russia warned Ukraine against late payment…no word on the vig.
A Texas polygamist sect member found guilty of sexual assault faces up to 20 years in prison where polygamy is a lifestyle mandate.
Target is offering $10 DVDs in a bid to match Wal-Mart price cuts…and yet Target can’t lower itself to offer free trailer park redecorating kits.
AIG posted 2nd quarter profit…but since it was bailed out with taxpayer money it might be more accurate to call profit…booty.
Gold futures hit a new record high above $1,100 an ounce…soon drug dealers will be hawkin’ bullion.
As many as 18 banks might be involved in financing Kraft’s bid for Cadbury…that bunny will have a lot of eggs to deliver.
Ford plans to put airbags in backseats…coming soon…airbags for the trunk…perfect for mobsters who like to store bodies in Lincolns.
A new survey finds the Internet and mobile phones enhance people’s social lives instead of detract from them…proof porn can produce world peace.
Fortune has named Steve Jobs CEO of the decade…making Bill Gates the Little Richard of computers…”I’m the architect of software.”
Rumor has it Oprah might start her own channel after her contract expires in 2011…just her own channel? The Big “O” could start her own cable system.
The FDA says pig ears and beef hooves pet treats made by a California-based company may be contaminated with salmonella…apparently this is only worrisome to Southern pet owners.
Water officials have banned septic tanks in portions of Malibu…I didn’t know people even crapped in Malibu.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
VIRAL LOW SELF ESTEEM
WHO says swine flu is the world’s most dominant virus…leaving other viruses’ self-esteem at their lowest level yet.
US prosecutors charged 14 people as part of a $20 million insider trading scheme…they went from being inside big houses to being inside the Big House.
The European Central Bank took its first step toward removing emergency stimulus…no more free daily showers…there go shampoo/soap sales.
Ex-NYC Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik pleaded guilty to lying and tax evasion…in other words in being a typical public "servant."
US prosecutors charged 14 people as part of a $20 million insider trading scheme…they went from being inside big houses to being inside the Big House.
The European Central Bank took its first step toward removing emergency stimulus…no more free daily showers…there go shampoo/soap sales.
Ex-NYC Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik pleaded guilty to lying and tax evasion…in other words in being a typical public "servant."
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